I'm not myself lately. At least I don't feel like I am. It's evident that I've reached another big time in my life. The tides changing, the wind is shifting, and the metaphors are stale. Leaving my job at Saint Martin is a decision I had to make for grad school, so that I could teach in public high school, but the transition seems harder than I probably thought it would be. I think physically and mentally it will be relatively easy, but emotionally, I'm not sure. During an assembly on the last day of school, a couple kids presented/read letters to me in front of the whole school because I was leaving. One of the students who I had grown close to in my two years mentioned in his letter that he loved me like a second father and that he knows I'll always be there for him. I cried in front of the entire building. It was truly one of the saddest/happiest moments of my life. Even with that, it's hard for me to measure my success so far.
Over the past few years, I've been in a limbo...whether with career ideas, personal goals, relationships, etc.... Perched on the proverbial fence never feels comfortable. When I started going after the things that I had decided I want for myself, I could not help but look backwards and inward. Halfway between my 24th and 25th birthdays, I'm not where I wanted to be. I guess I always just pictured things differently when I was younger. Teaching wasn't even something I had thought about. Having always been positioned for success when I was younger, and almost always gaining the achievements I set out for, I guess I just thought that the "big decision" stuff would come quickly and easily as I got older. Because it didn't come so quickly, sometimes I feel I've failed...at least partially. Maybe it sounds crazy, and maybe it is crazy, but it's how I feel sometimes. At least I know that I've done some good these past couple of years.
The whole dating thing has been an experience over the past year. I just want to be happy. I desire to find that confidence in a relationship and in myself to just be. That whole part of my life has taken me on a ride, that ultimately, never ends well. In my heart of hearts, I know I deserve to be happy and in love...and I know I could be that for someone else. Seeing my sister get married, people I graduated with engaged/married, and my cousin getting married soon, I guess I just wish I was making more progress in that area. I know I'm still young though, so I'm not exactly beating myself up. I assume everything will all fall into place sooner or later. It's that in between time that's tough. The figuring, over-thinking, and all that... We'll see.
Ants seem to have it easy. Then again, they can't experience happiness of the things ahead. Maybe I'm just making a mountain out of an ant hill.
- Daley
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