New Deep

There has been so much going on in my mind lately. Grad school starts in less than a week, as does my internship at Hillhouse High School. I'm pretty anxious about both of those things, for better or worse. I'm pretty certain I'll be fine, but this waiting period has my mind delving into the darkness of "worst-case scenario."

I'll deal with it when it comes. That's all I can do.

Here's to hoping that thought will work for other facets of life...

I have a lot to get done...maybe I should do that stuff instead of blogging.

- Daley

...Write that down.

I'm tired of playing catch-up with the vision of my future that I placed in my head many years ago. Life isn't a race, but I struggle with the idea that where I want to be will continue to be simply that...where I want to be.

I've been feeling weird in my skin lately...a feeling I was sure would be over with after the quintessential teenage years. That certainly hasn't been the case.

Love is an amazing thing. Maybe it will find me someday. I could start wearing brighter clothing..

If there was a GPS for human decisions and indecisions, I'm pretty sure mine would be incessantly advising me to "Please make the next legal u-turn."

What's great about telling people you're a writer is that you can almost never be lying. I search things on Google, I make check-lists, fill in my planner, occasionally post to a pretentious blog.......all of which include writing in some form. They don't need to know that your novel writing has hit a wall because you've realized that you don't know what your story's central/essential conflict is. Frustrating...

I'm reading a book that I'm really enjoying. I wish I wrote it.

The best advice is saved for the people you care about...yet nothing sounds more unreasonable and useless than when you try saying it to yourself.

"Everything happens for a reason" is a coping mechanism, not an answer.

Time is an interesting concept...almost religious. The idea of its existence is abstract, yet it controls our lives in almost every way. We base our decisions on it, mark our successes and failures by it, and we want it on our side. You are brought up to believe in it, and although you may question its power at times, you want nothing more than to believe that it is going to be there for you.

-Daley

Novelty

With the beginning of the Summer, I've had some time off of work and I've been doing my best to try and relax after such a long year. As you can probably imagine, my mind hasn't taken many breaks. It's been a lot of think, think, think these past couple of weeks, with not a lot of "do" mixed in there. I could probably come up with a reason for that, but honestly, why continue to think about it? It's time to do.

If you're close to me, you know I love to write. I think about it every day...about having novels published, trying screenwriting, and making a living by doing one of these. Yet, my half-hearted pursuit of these things has proven a disappointment. I though that once my busy year at work was over, I'd jump right at any opportunity to continue things I've started, like the novel I'm trying my hand at and the TV pilot I've started. I haven't. My focus hasn't been there. In fact, it seems like it's been everywhere else. Regardless, no more excuses. I'm going to go after this. I owe it to myself.

In that spirit, I woke up this morning, made my cup of coffee, watched a bit of "First Take" to check in on the NBA's free agent market (aka The Lebron James Show), and got on the computer...hoping for some inspiration. I opened up some documents from a flash drive...

When I was a senior at UConn, which seems like decades ago, I made an attempt at beginning a novel. Anyways, I first opened up this document, which is something I haven't really looked at in awhile. I never got far with it because of everything else going on with school, and I never did more with it. I looked at it today for what it was...a look into where I was over two years ago, creatively, and maybe mentally. There were two excerpts that I remembered writing, even where I was when I wrote them. I also remembered being pretty pleased with them:

"He sometimes wished his life was one of those cleverly crafted, teenage TV dramas; the ones where the almost impossible amount of conflict and struggle were packed into every minute of every episode, yet so contrived that it could make controversy seem appealing: almost perfect.

The shy, moral kid becomes the school’s star athlete and gets the girl. The amazingly artistic and troubled adolescent goes unnoticed until finally achieving his or her dream. The unexpected hero saves a life. The early death of a loved one devastates a soul, but brings a new perspective…

But life isn't like that. Problems aren't neatly cleaned up in forty-two minutes."

There was also this part, which seemed to speak to me now:

"Close your eyes and you’ll find that all it takes is a moment away from your surroundings to realize that your environment is not a permanent fixture in your life. Finality becomes obsolete and you learn that escape is possible. The difficulty is in opening your eyes and facing this truth."

Not to sound weird, but I was actually pretty impressed looking back at this stuff. I think I'm a pretty good writer. It's always been something that is really important to me. I love it and I want to be better at it. I opened up another novel that I started last summer, but didn't work on this entire year because of work. This one, I feel, has some promise. I've talked to people about it and they really loved the premise...or they didn't want to hurt my feelings...one or the other. Regardless, I have to write it.

These blogs are good practice. While writing this one, an old friend of mine just told me she read the previous post, and she told me that I'm a good writer. Being complimented on something you're passionate about is one of the best feelings in the world. My sister always tells me the same thing. One of my best friends said the same thing to me when a bunch of us were out on my deck just hanging out about a year ago. Someone suggested that we all go around the table we were sitting at and say something nice about the person next to us. It was extremely cheesy, but we had a funny time with it. He said that I was a really good writer, and it meant so much to me. I don't know if he'd even remember it. It really meant a lot.

Well, I have stuff to look forward to, so I'm going to focus on those things and hope that all goes well. I have a pretty good feeling about stuff lately. We'll see...

- Daley

Stop this train...

Ants are an interesting bunch. They just do. Business is business, and they take care of what's right in front of them, with no feeling, no emotional rise and fall, no regret. Just action...

I'm not myself lately. At least I don't feel like I am. It's evident that I've reached another big time in my life. The tides changing, the wind is shifting, and the metaphors are stale. Leaving my job at Saint Martin is a decision I had to make for grad school, so that I could teach in public high school, but the transition seems harder than I probably thought it would be. I think physically and mentally it will be relatively easy, but emotionally, I'm not sure. During an assembly on the last day of school, a couple kids presented/read letters to me in front of the whole school because I was leaving. One of the students who I had grown close to in my two years mentioned in his letter that he loved me like a second father and that he knows I'll always be there for him. I cried in front of the entire building. It was truly one of the saddest/happiest moments of my life. Even with that, it's hard for me to measure my success so far.

Over the past few years, I've been in a limbo...whether with career ideas, personal goals, relationships, etc.... Perched on the proverbial fence never feels comfortable. When I started going after the things that I had decided I want for myself, I could not help but look backwards and inward. Halfway between my 24th and 25th birthdays, I'm not where I wanted to be. I guess I always just pictured things differently when I was younger. Teaching wasn't even something I had thought about. Having always been positioned for success when I was younger, and almost always gaining the achievements I set out for, I guess I just thought that the "big decision" stuff would come quickly and easily as I got older. Because it didn't come so quickly, sometimes I feel I've failed...at least partially. Maybe it sounds crazy, and maybe it is crazy, but it's how I feel sometimes. At least I know that I've done some good these past couple of years.

The whole dating thing has been an experience over the past year. I just want to be happy. I desire to find that confidence in a relationship and in myself to just be. That whole part of my life has taken me on a ride, that ultimately, never ends well. In my heart of hearts, I know I deserve to be happy and in love...and I know I could be that for someone else. Seeing my sister get married, people I graduated with engaged/married, and my cousin getting married soon, I guess I just wish I was making more progress in that area. I know I'm still young though, so I'm not exactly beating myself up. I assume everything will all fall into place sooner or later. It's that in between time that's tough. The figuring, over-thinking, and all that... We'll see.

Ants seem to have it easy. Then again, they can't experience happiness of the things ahead. Maybe I'm just making a mountain out of an ant hill.

- Daley

"There's fog inside the glass around your summer heart"

I need to stop measuring my life by the things I don't have. It's the things I do have that make my life great...an amazing family, a few great friends, and passion for the things I love in life.

I think as humans, we all get caught up in what our life is lacking from day to day. We become consumed with the idea that the absence of certain things is a mark of failure. I know I've been a victim of these thoughts...and I probably still will be after I'm done writing this. It's human nature I guess...this struggle for total gain of the things we think we need in our lives. At some point, you need to figure out what your needs are, and whether or not you can acquire them through your own control.

It's probably no secret that my love-life has been rocky over the past four years. By no means was it all bad or anything...I'd hate to sound bitter and regretful...because I'm not. In fact, I learned a lot and had some amazing experiences. I also got to learn a lot about myself through people that I really cared about. I've had a lot of time to reflect on this sort of stuff, and I guess I just feel as if there is something missing in my life. Maybe I'm nostalgic for the feelings I had in my past. Maybe I miss that reliability and the certainty of comfort and support. Maybe it's all of it. Maybe it's none of it.

It's love.

The older adults in my life...the people who have been in my shoes before...tell me that it gets better from here. I hope they're right, and I'm sure they are...

...But for now, I'll just focus on the things I do have in life...the things that have made my life great...

- Daley

Commencement

How often can you say that you had a life-changing experience and truly believe it? It doesn't happen very often. A week ago today, I had one of these moments...and I know I'll never be the same.

Last Sunday was the 8th grade graduation ceremony. It was very well done and it was pretty emotional. I was the 8th grade English teacher, and over the course of the year, I built a pretty strong bond with them. Anyways, towards the end of the ceremony, the 8th graders were given three roses to give to people that they wanted to thank. This is a tradition the school has made and the students were asked to consider who they would like to present the roses to during the ceremony. Most of the kids gave them to a parent, grandparent, family member, the principal, or someone else that had helped them along the way. Just a few teachers were presented with them. I was one of them.

Each student had to list the people they were giving the roses to as they stood in front of everyone. Then they had to say a little bit about why they were giving each person their rose. The last student to go up and do this was a girl named Myeshia. She was one of my English students with a real knack for writing. She had a way with words that constantly reminded me of my own creative spirit. I would always tell her that she had such talent and she should stick with writing. I shared my own love for writing with her, while letting her know how much I believed in her ability.

She came up to the microphone, and as I sat in the audience, I heard her say "I'd like to give a rose to my mother, my grandmother, and Mr. Daley." I immediately felt a rush of emotion. I walked up to the stage and by the time she finished her description of why she was giving me a rose, I was fighting back tears. She said something like:

"I'd like to give a rose to my favorite teacher, Mr. Daley. He has helped me to see that I am a good writer and poet. He has helped me with my writing and always believed in me. He was a cool teacher and he has had a huge impact on my life. I will never forget him."

That moment was one of the best I've ever experienced in my 23 years of life, and I mean that with the utmost sincerity. For once, I felt that I had accomplished something great. Instead of just seeing the rose as a gift, I saw it as an answer. It was an answer to the question I've been debating for so long. The question of career choice and what I really need to do with my life. I finally felt a new confidence that teaching was it. A 14 year old girl said that I had a huge impact on her life and that she would never forget me. She saw that I believed in her. I supported her and taught her enough for her to recognize that there's greatness in her. As a teacher, that's all you can ask for. As a person...a 23 year old...it's more than I ever would've expected. The whole ride home from graduation, I cried. It wasn't sad, but for whatever reason, the great feeling that this experience gave me warranted tears. I didn't fight it in the confines of my car though. I just went with it. I knew that this was big for me. I still get emotional thinking about it.

A week later and school's out for summer. The last week was a breeze and it was great to spend some time with the kids in a more relaxed classroom environment. I'm definitely looking forward to next year. Now that it's summer, I have the time to do the things I've been putting off all year...like writing. I guess this was just a warm-up.

- Daley

myTunes?

I've never really been musically-inclined. Recently though, I've felt as if music has been Daley-inclined. What does that mean?

A lot of the songs I've been listening to lately seem to perfectly express the way I'm feeling in that specific moment and during this time of my life. Call it coincidence, call it some strange outside insight, call it whatever...

So thanks iPod, iTunes, radio, and various other media. I'm listening...

- Daley